SPOKANE, Wash. — Local anxiety-sufferer Eno Patrice upped his attempt at his daily mental health walk to a mental health sprint after being chased by nine rabies-infected dogs, sources confirmed while running for their dear lives as well.
“Damn that therapist telling me that calming strolls would clear my head and lead to a more enriching life. You call this enriched? It makes me so mad I could rip everything to shreds with my own teeth! In fact, I’m gonna get started on that right now! Grrrrrr!” rasped Patrice, from within his quarantined space. “Once all my wounds heal, I stop my irrational fear of water, and I can start in-person sessions again, I just may bite that guy myself.”
The owner of the dangerous canines, local insane person Harley Toth, didn’t seem to grasp the gravity of the situation.
“Oh, that’s alright, they were just playing. The rabies just give them a little extra ‘oomph’ in the zoomies department, isn’t that right my sweet boys? Isn’t that right? Who’s got a sloppy foamy mouth and vicious glint in their eyes? You do! See? Such sweethearts,” said Toth, while making an infuriating hand flourish as if to say “you’re overreacting.” “At the end of the day, there’s really no harm done. My doggos got their exercise for the day, and he got the privilege of interacting with them. It’s win-win. If anything, I should be billing him for all the fun he got to have.”
Rabies specialists urged Patrice to focus on the upsides of infection.
“Not many people realize this, but the odd rabies infection here or there is actually a highly effective temporary cure for anxiety. One immediately stops caring about such trivial matters as their outward appearance, basic hygiene and legibility of their speech patterns, right off the bat,” offered Dr. Lamitow, while referring to her recently published book “Rabie Steps.” “Take this as a vacation from reality’s harsh plane of existence. As I say in my book, embrace rabid habits, and finally live life to the fullest. Just don’t get near me, please.”
At press time, trouble kept brewing when Patrice’s doctor’s office was revealed to be right next door to the veterinarian treating the rabid dogs.