SYRACUSE, N.Y. — A stroll in the park took a salacious turn today after one passerby witnessed a couple fucking on a memorial bench, sources confirmed.
“I can’t believe that someone would desecrate a memorial bench by having sex on it—I mean I could understand fucking somewhere romantic like a cemetary rose garden, but a hard bench in the middle of a park?” said Jon Bryson, stopping his morning jog to give a statement. “I had to spray them with my water bottle to get them to stop fucking like alleycats. According to the plaque, Clarence Birmingham was a beloved husband, father, and grandfather and these sick bastards just sprayed a firehose of bodily fluids all over his memory.”
Despite the public outcry, Birmingham’s grandson was reportedly touched by the raunchy public show of affection.
“Grandpa always was a bricked-up horndog, and his final wish was to give back to his neighborhood and provide a sturdy place where regular people from all walks of life could engage in risky public sex. I know that right now he’s up there in heaven smiling, erection in hand, dry jacking it to a couple of straight up freaks slammin’ hams on his memorial bench,” said Tom Birmingham, polishing the plaque to a sheen with astroglide. “Every year on the day he passed, we leave some condoms and porno mags on the memorial bench and wheel Grandma out to the bushes so she can watch some hot honey holes get demolished in Grandpa’s memory.”
Parks groundskeeper Greg Baldinger was committed to stopping the unsanctioned public intercourse.
“We’ve tried everything to stop people from fucking on this bench, but the local pervert community is insatiable. First we put up a lightpost, but folks just threw a sheer cloth over it for some mood lighting. Then we installed anti-fornication spikes, but that just brought out the BDSM crowd,” said Baldinger, pressure washing the bench. “Every night I hear these deviants howling like a dog in heat, you know I’ve broken up three orgies this week? But every time they just scurry off naked into the night, only to return to their carnal fuckfest the minute I leave. I think the worst part of this whole thing is that not once have they invited me to join in for some sexual tusslin’ in the romantic moonlight.”
At press time, the Birmingham family had since gathered to spread Grandpa Clarence’s ashes near the glory hole at the local swinger’s club where he first met his beloved wife.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
