HARTFORD, Conn. – Goodwill shopper Davis Canal suffered minor injuries during an unprovoked attack by a mannequin modeling the once-popular alpha male apparel line Ed Hardy, multiple sources who refused to step in and help confirmed.
“I was browsing the used DVDs for ‘Scrubs’ season 3, just minding my own, when I suddenly felt eyes on me,” Canal said, rewatching the incident on WorldStarHipHop.com. “I look up and see this mannequin with a shirt two sizes too small, just mean-mugging me. Out of nowhere, the display comes to life, calls me a bitch, and starts throwing wild haymakers. The last thing I saw before I got knocked unconscious was a Siamese tiger with dragon wings. I’m not sure if it was the punches or the Dior Sauvage that gassed me out, but I still can’t get the spray tan off my skin.”
Manager Andy St. Jean claims the mannequin has been trouble ever since he started wearing the Ed Hardy garment late last week.
“That shirt was actually dropped off with the owner still wearing it,” St. Jean said. “Apparently his girlfriend had enough of his bullshit, so she dumped his ass in the donation bin, then ran off with some dude in an Affliction shirt. We kept the Ed Hardy tee, while the boyfriend stole a girl’s ten-speed to chase after his ex. But I gotta say, that shirt is bad juju. When I opened the store this morning, I found Tiesto CDs scattered everywhere and women’s undergarments missing. I can’t even give this thing away. I mean, what the fuck does ‘Love Kills Slow’ even mean?”
Professor of Neuroscience at Yale Leslie Templeton explains the psychological effect of different types of clothing, taste, and trends notwithstanding.
“The douchebaggery Ed Hardy instantly evokes, even second-hand, doesn’t surprise me,” Templeton said. “Certain outfits have an effect known as ‘enclothed cognition’ on the wearer’s psychology – man, mannequin, or otherwise. Bright colors make you happier, more energetic. Darker colors de-stress you. I’m 76 years old and 98 pounds wet, but you put me in Ed Hardy streetwear and I will put you in a rear naked choke so fast you will have to hope you have time to tap. Then I’ll piss in that flower pot, roofie your Celsius drink, and punch a police horse in the dick just for kicks. It’s basic science.”
At press time, Canal said things would have been much worse if a pair of True Religion jeans hadn’t sprung from the racks and submitted the Ed Hardy mannequin with a leglock.