LONDON — Upper-level managers at a clandestine facility specializing in removing blood from young children and pumping it into Queen Elizabeth II to keep her alive are now expecting layoffs following her death earlier today, sources who just put a down payment on a flat confirmed.
“The timing just couldn’t be worse. We just received a fresh batch of orphaned babies and these little blood bags are filled with some quality inventory. The Queen would have felt 84 again with this blood coursing through her veins,” said plant manager Cecil Davies. “And we just installed a new pump that drains the bodies of 98% of the blood, so there is very little waste. But now that the Queen is gone I’m afraid we might have to let some of these kids loose in the streets, and the thought of them growing up and leading fulfilling lives makes me sick. I’m just hoping some other members of the royal family are in desperate need of youthful blood or else I might have to let some of my staff go.”
Employees at the facility admit they have no other real-world skills.
“I’ve spent the last four decades in this underground bunker draining children of their life force without ever seeing the sunlight, and frankly I’m worried my skills won’t carry over into a new field,” said Damien Hill. “I’m also worried about what will happen if the sun hits my skin. I’m so pale that I’m basically translucent. I suppose I could get a job as a software developer, my lifestyle wouldn’t change all that much, I just wouldn’t get the same satisfaction of bleeding kids dry to serve my country.”
Black market blood traffickers are also expected to feel a financial hit from the Queen’s passing.
“The Queen was my best customer when it came to blood. I know she had her own personal farm, but that wasn’t enough. I had to make sure she had plenty of puppy and kitten blood at her disposal as well or her hair might fall out,” said an anonymous source wearing a Union Jack balaclava. “I’m going to have an entire warehouse of unused blood by this time next week. And I’m not just going to donate it to the hippies at the Red Cross, I’d rather dump it straight into the Thames.”
At press time, President Biden announced he will be making a trip to the facility in hopes of “bringing these jobs to America.”