SARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout, but appeared to have nothing to put on it except hot dogs, confirmed sources who assumed there would be a bit more variety.
“Alright, let me show you the Meatblaster Deluxe rig I just finished setting up,” said Spalding, proudly gesturing toward the various components arranged in a horseshoe-shaped cooking area while rhythmically clicking his $75 tongs. “Six-burner grill up front, with attached flat-top and, over on the other side, this top-of-the-line pellet smoker. And don’t forget the built-in minifridge. One of these days, I’m gonna stock up on brisket, sausage, ribeyes, and lamb chops to really show the fellas that I’ve earned this Grill Sergeant apron. But for now, well, Costco had a sale on store-brand hot dogs, so.”
Next-door-neighbor Bob Oakerton was confused by the lack of options.
“I asked Brett if I could bring anything to put on his kick-butt new grill, but he said not to bother because he’s ‘totally stocked up,’” said Oakerton. “I knew he’d dropped some serious cash on this thing, so I asked Marcy to make a salad and a pie for us to bring. Of course, that was when I assumed he was going to grill a whole lot of different meat, but I’m definitely only seeing hot dogs, and I just heard Brett holler ‘Who’s famished for a frankfurter?’ So I guess that’s that. I really had my heart set on a burger, to be honest.”
Chester Avery, the 19-year-old salesman who sold Spalding the grill, seemed unsurprised by this turn of events.
“Yeah, [Spalding] went straight from the little two-burner starter grills to the top-shelf stuff. Every add-on feature I showed him, he’d be like ‘Ooooh, I definitely need that,’” said Avery. “I could tell he’s a straight up wiener-jockey who wouldn’t know a brisket from a skirt steak, but what do you want? I work on commission. For 5,000 bucks you can grill all the Ball Park Franks you want.”
At press time, Spalding had decided to purchase a vintage Gibson SG for the express purpose of playing the main riff to Black Sabbath’s “Iron Man.”