RICHMOND, Va. — Local Project Manager Bart McDonnell claimed recently to have discovered the Rosetta Stone of productivity, dubbing himself a “multitasking magnate,” despite just making a ton of different mistakes simultaneously, confirmed sources.
“People think you have to wait for some golden moment of focus to be productive, but we’ve evolved beyond that,” McDonnell said while checking his SkyBet account, mixing a protein coffee smoothie, and sending a text to his boy Nate about getting fucked up. “I’m not looking over my shoulder for a saber tooth tiger while I’m making a fire. I’m answering emails during a meeting, editing a project pitch, drafting tomorrow’s to-do list, and checking in with my boys in the groupchat. Let’s fucking go! Oops, I sent that text to my boss.”
McDonnell’s live-in girlfriend Amy Dixon is not convinced.
“Bart is distracted to the point that he cannot finish anything. He calls himself a mogul or whatever but I know that he’s had several bad performance reviews at work recently. Mostly for making really obvious mistakes. I hate to put him on blast, but he even lacks the focus for physical intimacy,” Dixon said. “I’ve suggested couple’s therapy, but Bart always says he has to check his calendar, then ends up scrolling Reddit while listening to All-In. Sometimes I don’t think he’d notice if I moved out.”
Cognitive Psychologist Chelsea Hughes studies the effects of multitasking at the University of Richmond and cautions against the practice.
“The allure makes sense, we’re all being pulled in so many directions,” Hughes said while inputting data for a Chi-squared test. “But research shows that multitasking comes at the cost of reduced productivity and performance. Despite all our advancements, sequentially focusing on tasks remains crucial to optimal outcomes in complex environments. As much as playing ‘Gears of War 2’ while filing your taxes sounds appealing, we assure you it always ends in tax fraud and three to five years in prison.”
At press time, McDonnell was fired from his job for what he called “creative differences” and was the focus of an IRS audit, but planned to take advantage of the unexpected free time by traveling cross-country in his 2014 Honda Accord, saying he does some of his best problem-solving while driving.