BETHESDA, Md. — Military weapons developer and defense contracting behemoth Lockheed Martin announced that it is holding a DIY-style fundraiser to raise money specifically for more explosive munitions, confirmed ecstatic war hawks.
“Our fellow humans in the Middle East need bombs more than ever before, so please consider coming to our pay-what-you-can fundraiser at the America First Hall where the suggested donation is $2,000 per entry,” explained Lockheed Martin president and CEO Jim Taiclet, who reportedly booked a handful of Southern Rock bands for the event. “World domination is the goal, and once we raise enough money for more bombs, we will drop them off in Syria, Afghanistan, Iraq, and elsewhere. In lieu of money, we will also accept precision-guided missiles and B-2 bombers at the door. Can never have too many of those on hand.”
Local punk bassist Liam Marceau attempted to explain his band Crack Curtain’s involvement in the show.
“Can you blame me for thinking this was actually a ‘Food Not Bombs’ event? When I saw the email for possibly getting booked on this show I instantly replied saying ‘yes’ without even reading it,” admitted Marceau, whose songs of anarchy and anti-imperialism seemingly stand at odds with the event’s sponsor. “But the way I see it, this is a chance for us to enact change from the inside. Maybe one or two employees will hear Crack Curtain’s songs of resistance and quit on the spot. And if that doesn’t work, at least we’ll get paid handsomely for our time. This is our highest paying gig to date. I need this.”
Defense industry critics are not at all surprised by Lockheed Martin’s co-opting of leftist language as a means to their own ends.
“This is typical Lockheed. I wouldn’t be surprised if next week they announced ‘direct action’ to protest a Children’s Hospital opening in Iraq since it will undo all their hard work,” explained former industry insider Violet Rossett. “This is to say nothing of their transparent war profiteering and crimes against humanity. Reminds me of the time Lockheed held a fundraising event to support local veterans, but didn’t tell anyone that they meant the veterans that worked at their company. Lockheed Martin is surprisingly fond of malicious wordplay.”
Inspired by their rivals at Lockheed Martin, Northrop Grumman announced that they are starting a crust punk record label, the proceeds of which will fund research for new weapons platforms.