BAKERSFIELD, Calif. — Local dad Craig Harper admitted today that the lockdown set in place to stop the spread of COVID-19 was really fucking up his plans to walk out on his wife and kids and never look back.
“My wife is on my case about every little thing… like how I sleep all day, don’t help the kids with their schoolwork, and how I’m ‘dependent’ on alcohol. Whatever the fuck that means,” said Harper. “I know this pandemic is hard on everyone, but it’s particularly hard on men like me who wish they could build a time machine, go back to when they were 24 and tell their younger selves to keep pursuing a jet ski career. I can’t wait for things to get back to normal so I can just get in my truck and drive away from all this.”
The temporary shelter-in-place lockdown has left some 40 million Californians under strict orders to practice social distancing and quarantine themselves at home, making it increasingly difficult for Harper to pack up a few things and never come back.
“I had it all planned out: I’d been selling some things and was gonna throw some stuff in a bag and just split. Maybe give ‘em one of those ‘heading to the store’ lines and hit the road, like my old man did,” said the father of three and husband of 17 years. “Shit, I can’t even lie and say I got called into cover for someone at the warehouse anymore because we’re closed down. I wish I’d left when I had the chance.”
Experts indicate the quarantine is expected to last for several more months, forcing negligent fathers to become more creative in their attempts to start over.
“Just ‘stepping out for a pack of smokes’ won’t cut it anymore. At the very minimum, these men will have to pretend to show symptoms of the virus, drive to the hospital, and fake their own death,” said Family and Behavioral Health counselor Katie Willis. “And we’re seeing this phenomenon across the board — everything from your run-of-the-mill deadbeat dads and absent fathers, to loving fathers who just want some peace and quiet for a little bit until this whole thing blows over. At this point, the way things are looking now, you may be lucky to leave your wife and kids in time to ruin Christmas.”
At press time, Harper’s wife admitted the quarantine has already delayed her plans to file for divorce, while their teenage son reports he has to postpone running away because of the lockdown.