LONDON — King Charles recently decided enough time has finally passed to have the Queen’s beloved corgis formally executed in a public beheading, not totally shocked British sources confirmed.
“With me mum kicking the bucket and your old bruv Chuck crowned kingy-wingy, I’ve done bugger all in the queen’s wing of the palace. So imagine me surprise to see mum’s corgi’s still around, chewing on her bed posts and thrashing about her old knickers,” said the Honourable King Charles III. “I screamed ‘oi, shut your gob, you fuzzy little wankers.’ And one of the twats bit a hole in me trousers. So I figure, no point in keepin’ ‘em around now. Might as well lop off the puppies’ heads, right? Maybe put on a show for all the dirty peasants outside to see. Pretty sure they won’t be too narked about some dog murder. Besides, mum died weeks ago.”
Royal Executioner Terrinald Dwight Bandersnatch was shocked by the royal request.
“Yes, I am technically the Royal Executioner, but capital punishment has been banned in England since the ‘90s, so it’s largely a symbolic title. Imagine my surprise then, when the King drops five short-limbed Welsh corgis in my lap and tells me to ‘start sharpening that bloody axe,’” explained Bandersnatch. “Apparently the King wants it to be televised live, with all the pomp and circumstances of the coronation. But frankly, I’ve grown quite attached to the cute doggos. So between us, I’m hatching a scheme to sneak the corgi’s out out of the palace using the various underground tunnels Prince Andrew had constructed for…reasons I’d rather not get into.”
Royal Family historian Michaelton Hunt explained that this type of behavior is not entirely unheard of.
“Anyone who has studied the Royal Family knows well that animal abuse is as much a part of the House of WIndsor as inbreeding,” said Hunt. “King Charles and his sons of course regularly hunt foxes for sport. But you may not realize that Princess Anne is a great lover of feeding Alka Seltzer to the pigeons in St. James park. And King George’s favorite party trick was placing sunglasses above a dog’s tail and pretending it’s bumhole was its mouth. That last one’s maybe not abuse, but it’s dodgy, innit?”
At press time, King Charles stirred additional controversy by “accidentally” including Harry and Meghan among the listed names of dogs to be killed.