LOS ANGELES — A K9 unit dog was commended during training today after he successfully shut his body cam off before tearing his squeaky toy a new asshole, police sources confirmed.
“It took months of hard work and training, but I finally figured out how to turn off my body cam with my paw before ripping that ‘Petey the Protestor’ squeaky toy a new one,” said K9 rookie Pawnold Reagan, digging up a rubber knife he had planted at the scene before alerting his handler. “Ever since I could open my eyes I just wanted to make my team proud, and I could see how happy they were when I shook Petey by his ass for an extra 30 seconds after it was clear he had enough. I asked him if I could learn to sit and shake next, but he said I won’t be needing any of those de-escalation skills once I’m on the streets.”
Reagan’s handler, Officer Joe Dower, was reportedly so impressed with the K9’s virtuoso performance that he thought he might be able to learn a thing or two from his star pupil.
“Pawnold just put on a masterclass in plausible deniability that they’ll be teaching at the academy for years—I mean, pretending to scratch yourself, lick your butthole, and then ‘accidentally’ shutting your cam off? Brilliant!” said Dower, watching the footage on his laptop while driving his cruiser down a residential street. “And even when the camera is running Pawnold is shaking himself so it’s too blurry to tell what’s going on. He’s so good it almost makes me feel bad about all those puppies we shot during stash house raids.”
Following the rousing success of the K9 candidate, Los Angeles Chief of Police Dominic Choi has reportedly considered hiring more dogs from Reagan’s litter.
“We could use more officers like Pawnold in the police department—smart, forceful, and unable to talk to Internal Affairs, unless they happen to have those little speech buttons the dogs on TikTok use,” said Chief Choi, rifling through a dossier about Reagan’s 12 brothers and sisters. “Plus even if he performs a civil forfeiture on a chunk of your arm during a routine traffic stop, how could you stay mad at that cute little face? Who’s a good boy with qualified immunity? It’s you! You’re above the law, yes you are!”
At press time, Officer Dower was busy trying to teach Reagan how to use his puppy dog eyes to coerce suspects for a confession before their lawyer is able to arrive.