GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United States to prepare a course of action to treat former President Biden’s prostate cancer, which will involve heavy bombing followed by a starvation campaign, sources confirmed.
“Joe Biden is revered in Israel for all he did during his presidency to make sure our country was armed with the most technologically advanced weapons of warfare the world has ever seen. We want to pay him back by helping treat this cancer and getting him back on his feet,” said Dr. Eitan Peretz. “The best course of action against something as evil as cancer is to bomb it out. Surgery is no longer a viable option, it’s too diplomatic, and the cancer could be allowed to regroup and come back stronger than ever. We have new bomb technology that could level President Biden’s cancer to dust. After that aggressive treatment, it’s best to starve him entirely. We won’t allow him to have food or clean water for months, it’s the only way to guarantee the problem is eradicated for good.”
Top Democrats in the Senate were excited to see President Biden working so closely with Israeli doctors.
“Israel has the best healthcare system in the world, all paid for by generous American taxpayers. He really is in great hands, if Israel is half as good at keeping people alive as they are at killing people in Gaza then President Biden could live another 30 years. And we really need him in 2028,” said Senator Cory Booker (D-N.J.). “Because these doctors are being so generous with their time, I’m going to introduce a new funding bill that will give Israel carte blanche when it comes to weapons systems. It’s literally the least we can do to help our allies.”
Former President Biden remains optimistic about the future despite being informed that the cancer metastasized in his bones.
“Listen Jack, I’ve taken down bigger thugs than prostate cancer. I remember back when I was a teenager I used to go to this swimming pool and there was this guy there, everyone called him Smooth Tony, he was really Italian, you knew it because how greasy he was. Anyway, Smooth Tony challenged me to a drag race, and my car had never been beaten,” said Biden, trying not to nod off. “Where was I? So I said to the guy running the soda jerk that I’m not one to be trifled with. He ended up giving me an entire glazed ham. I loved that ham. I married that ham. Can someone turn the sun back on? I’m freezing my ass off here.”
At press time, the official White House doctor claimed President Trump is so physically fit that cancer cells are afraid to infect him.