TEL AVIV — The Israeli Defense Force defended their lethal bombing of a Gaza Children’s Hospital today by alleging that the kids inside were reincarnated Hamas war criminals, sources confirmed.
“We’ve recently discovered evidence that the reincarnated souls of dangerous Hamas terrorists have infiltrated the bodies of several youth-adjacent Palestinians in this so-called ‘Children’s Hospital’, and planned to use them as vessels to carry out their nefarious plot to wipe Israel off the map,” said General Yaniv Salama from the Israel Defense Force. “Thankfully our brave soldiers have wiped out the NICU harboring this Samsaran threat, but this is just one battle in the ongoing war on rebirth. Rest assured that whatever body these war criminals decide to reincarnate into next—be it children, journalists, or foreign humanitarian aid workers—we will find them and exterminate this metaphysical menace.”
Marshall Whitman, a spokesperson from AIPAC, later went on Fox News to strongly denounce the spiritual threat.
“The cowardly act of smuggling souls inside the bodies of children is Hamas’ most despicable plot yet—Abrahamic religions don’t even believe in reincarnation, which just goes to show you the lengths dead Palestinians will go to harm Israel,” said Whitman. “After this frightening revelation, I think we have to assume every Palestinian is a potential threat being used as a human shield by these dastardly spirits and must be eliminated. We must also consider the possibility that they possessed the missiles that were dropped on the hospital to frame the IDF, even though we did nothing wrong.”
US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth reiterated that rooting out reincarnated war criminals and terrorists was a priority of the Trump administration.
“We want to make it clear that antisemitic transmigrants are not welcome in America, and our brave warfighters are ready to root out any reincarnated terrorists both domestic and abroad,” said Hegseth, wincing and exhaling sharply after taking a sip from his coffee cup. “I mean what’s next, dreamwalking indoctrination? Voodoo assassinations? Planting psychic IEDs in our minds? If they’ve already learned how to reincarnate into children, they’re likely already infiltrated Democratic politicians, college protesters, and that judgemental prick that runs my AA meetings.”
At press time, Israeli settlers claimed that they were forced to bulldoze a row of Gaza houses after a malevolent Palestinian poltergeist possessed the buildings.