LOS ANGELES — Hollywood executives confirmed that they are working on a new horror franchise called “The Woman Who is Both Old and Naked,” in a recent statement.
“You know, as creatives we are always working on the next best thing that’ll totally blow people’s socks off,” said a top executive at Paramount. “So we did what we always do: We looked at what made money before and we were like, let’s do more of that. And it turns out when it comes to horror, there’s one thing that always seems to succeed in scaring the poop out of people, and that is naked old women. Those freaks over in the horror world are always getting jump scares out of naked octogenarians. So we figured we’d just make a whole franchise out of it! Only thing is, we had to get the best SFX makeup team in the world on it, since none of us has ever actually seen a naked woman over the age of 30.”
Horror fanatics across the nation reacted to the news about the upcoming franchise.
“Yeah, come to think of it, I have noticed the trend of horror films using my future body as the ultimate gross-out, jeepers moment,” shared Stephanie Russell. “I guess it is kind of fucked up. I mean, if I’m lucky, I will be a saggy butt old lady with just a handful of hairs on her head one day. And apparently that makes me on par with men who choose to murder people with chainsaws. But I really like keeping up with horror content, so I’m probably just going to buy some Spanx and ignore my feelings about it so I can enjoy this Halloween season without becoming suicidal.”
Dr. Chris Haskell, famed expert in the psychology of fear, shared an expert opinion on the franchise’s topic of choice.
“As an expert on all things fear, I’ve been a consultant for all sorts of Hollywood projects over the years. One thing I can tell you for certain is executives in the entertainment industry didn’t even know old women had bodies under there until recently. Once they found out, they became obsessed. It was like they discovered some strange, archaic creature only found in the deep sea and wanted to use it to scare children. Except it’s just women who made it past 50 and haven’t had work done.”
Leaks have revealed that movie three or four in the franchise will include a scene where a man actually has to listen to the naked old woman in order to save the day.
