NEW YORK — Recently discovered journals from the founder of the famed punk and hardcore club CBGB revealed that the venue’s name originally stood for “Cock, Balls, Garbage, and Butt,” surprised historians confirmed.
“I was incredibly fortunate to be given unique access to the journals of CBGB founder, Mr. Hilly Kristal, by his estate,” said Sharon Holland, a professor of history at New York University. “These journals are truly a treasure trove of information about the music scene of the Lower East Side in the early 1970s. Hilly’s writing touches on a variety of issues; from the cost of a liquor license to squabbles with his landlord. Most shockingly, however, one entry revealed that CBGB didn’t originally stand for Country, BlueGrass, and Blues, as was previously thought, but for Cock, Balls, Garbage, and Butt. You can imagine the absolute tizzy this has caused the academic and musical communities.”
Kristal’s lifelong friend, Linda Page, remembers him bouncing around a lot of different ideas before opening the club.
“Hilly was an extremely creative guy. He talked endlessly about what type of bands he’d book, how to use the space, and what the CBGB name would ultimately stand for,” said Page. “I don’t remember him saying where he originally came up with the CBGB acronym but I do remember some of the more outrageous names he threw out there: Cat, Blimp, Gremlin, Boner; Cobbler, Bilge, Goober, Barf; and Chicken, Bent, Garlic, Blitz, to name a few. And then, of course, there was the full CBGB & OMFUG name Hilly initially settled on: ‘Cock, Balls, Garbage, Butt and Otter Mothers for Ulcer Goopers.’ He only booked one show with that name, though. Then he changed it to the now world-famous Country, Bluegrass, Blues, and other Music for Uplifting Gormandizers.”
Lifelong Bowery punk Shane Terry claims to have been one of only a few people in attendance for that first CBGB show.
“I’m glad they discovered Hilly’s journals because no one ever believes me when I say I saw the first and only show at the original CBGB,” said Terry. “All these fucking posers are out here acting like they saw Talking Heads or some shit, and we all know that they not only didn’t see anything there before like 2002, they also don’t know the true name of the damn place. I was there on opening night, but all the bad actors in the scene make it impossible for anyone to hear me out. I’m an unrepentant liar so it makes sense but still…it’s nice to tell the truth and have that truth vindicated by history, you know?”
At press time, the now-closed CBGB at Newark Airport was attempting a rebrand using the “original” name.