BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local man James Bo finally fulfilled his lifelong dream of growing out his hair last month, only to discover it happened to coincide with the onset of his male pattern baldness.
“It just sucks, because I’ve always wanted to grow out my hair but something always got in the way — my parents never let me have hair past my ears, my boss and her stupid company regulations, various romantic partners, all that. But I’m a grown-ass man, and as such I can have long hair if I want,” Bo said. “But it’s not even out of the awkward stage. I’m already finding these huge clumps of hair in my brush and all over my shower curtain. My hairline is already halfway to the back of my head, and now I look like Ben fucking Franklin.”
While Bo was caught off guard by the inopportune timing, barber Lance Crawford tried to warn him for years.
“James isn’t exactly a young guy, and I’ve been cutting hair for ages, so I know the signs of impending baldness,” Crawford said. “The last time I did his hair, I warned him that he wasn’t gonna get much length to it before it started coming loose, but he claimed I was trying to convince him to keep it short because ‘long hair is bad for business’ or some shit. And I pointed out to him that he literally pays me because I’m good at this shit, but he was not having it, so more power to him, I guess. Have fun looking like Christian Bale in ‘American Hustle.’”
Beth Bell, a leading dermatologist, expounded on the nature of hair loss and the lengths to which men go to conceal it.
“Hair loss is a natural part of aging for many men, so really, the best thing to do when you notice it starting is to accept it with grace,” Bell said. “By refusing to do so and trying bizarre tactics or medical procedures, you’re joining a line of men stretching back to Julius Caesar with his laurel crown who refused to accept their hair loss. It’s led to several ludicrous fashion trends, and the same Gladiator-inspired haircut in middle aged boys from the years 2000-2003 as a result.”
Bo is ultimately joining this grand tradition by variously attempting to adopt a top knot, a comb forward, and scene-kid bangs in an attempt to conceal his ailing hairline.