KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Hallmark Channel’s newest movie reportedly features a groundbreaking sex scene depicting 20 seconds of dry humping between the romantic leads which is sending shockwaves through the traditional values community, sources close to production confirm.
“We built this empire by repeating the same three romantic plotlines for two decades. But viewership is down and we need to get with the times, so we’re exploring uncharted territory in our next film with a scene depicting a sensual 20-second, fully clothed dry hump between our heroes on a sofa in broad daylight,” said producer Brian Watkins. “Sure it’s not on the same level as the softcore porn you can see any day of the week on cable, but to our audience the depiction of two adults who were close as children, but grew apart over the years due to work obligations grinding on each other awkwardly is as realistic as romance gets. If this tests well, we could have implied over the shirt groping in our upcoming Christmas movies.”
One of Hallmark Channel’s go-to actors was excited but nervous about filming such an intimate scene.
“I’m completely aware that the majority of these films are not grounded in reality. But I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to push the envelope of milquetoast, traditional values romcoms with some hot jeans on jeans grinding. Before this my most intimate moment on screen was baking cookies with Alicia Witt,” said actor Mark Weibe. “Frankly it wasn’t supposed to be this big of a deal, but they blew half the budget spending three days trying to film the scene with forced perspective so we wouldn’t have to physically touch. Eventually they just said screw it, just start dry humping Lacey Chabert. I just hope my mom wasn’t watching.”
The controversial scene had the entire production on edge except for the film’s intimacy coordinator.
“I honestly thought I was on a prank show. The week prior I was micromanaging several different dicks for a Sam Levinson project and then Hallmark sent me a huge check for this movie, and I came to find out it’s just two grownups engaging in middle school shenanigans,” said Valerie Putnam. “I’ve seen sultrier shit on Nickelodeon, but I figured even prudes need a little help sometimes. I do wish I was more equipped to handle the 45 minutes of praying and crying that followed filming the scene though.”
As of press time, Hallmark announced they’d be pushing the boundaries even further in their next film when the female lead says she’s not ready for a relationship and goes back to her big job in the city.