BOISE, Idaho — One grandpa’s harrowing tale of “walking to school uphill both ways” failed to land with his 15-year-old grandson that survived a school shooting, sources confirmed.
“Back in my day we had to walk to school uphill both ways in the snow, but nowadays they pamper kids too much. I mean what is this ‘active shooter drills’ and ‘bulletproof backpack’ nonsense—what happened to digging a good ol’ fashioned trench?” asked Murphy Boswick, leafing through his old high school yearbook. “I couldn’t believe it when I heard my grandson Hunter got to skip school for an entire semester after his teacher died in his school’s shooting. What kind of a message are we sending when we allow kids to laze about and ‘process trauma’? My gym teacher dropped dead from a heart attack when I was in school, but did we get the day off? No, we used his lifeless body as home plate and played another five innings.”
Despite the heart-wrenching tale of Boswick’s grueling two-mile trudge to school, his grandson remained unimpressed.
“The way my grandpa complains, you’d think he had to hike up Everest to get to first period. Oh poor baby, did it drizzle a little on your walk to school back in the day? I had to hold my breath in a supply closet for half an hour while my classmates were killed in a hail of gunfire,” said Hunter Boswick. “But I’m sure if they just got a little more pre-school cardio they would have survived. Oh, snow days weren’t a thing back in your day? Well guess what, we don’t get to have snow anymore because you guys fucked the planet up. Then he suggested that school shootings never happened back when kids used to have to learn to read and write in cursive.”
NRA spokesperson Ron McNeil claimed that the occasional school shooting provided an important life lesson for children.
“I know that parents want to protect their children from the world, but they’re really doing them a disservice if they shield them from all forms of early childhood gunfire. How are kids going to learn to cope with the amount of mass shootings they’ll endure as an adult in this country if they don’t learn to deal with it when they’re a kid?” said McNeil, rattling an unloaded revolver in front of his baby. “What would really help foster a healthy gun-friendly environment is to train a handful of students to patrol the halls as armed hall monitors. That way we can teach them early that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a gifted student with a gun.”
At press time, Mr. Boswick suggested that the best way for his grandson to get an afterschool job was to put on a suit, march right up to the employer and offer a firm handshake to the AI recruitment chatbot.
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