ST. LOUIS — Local punk Luke Koester downgraded his live-in romantic partner Samatha Tsai from “girlfriend” to “roommate” yesterday following weeks of forced cohabitation with no breaks, unsurprised sources confirmed.
“I’ve really had an opportunity to slow down and reassess what’s important to me, and I think this time together at home gave me some clarity about our relationship,” said Koester. “I keep thinking about where I see myself going once it’s safe to leave the house again… and that place is pretty much anywhere Sam isn’t, and other girls are. I’m just not sure I can go back to fucking someone I’ve built upward of 13 puzzles with.”
Mutual friends of the pair became worried about the couple’s prospects of maintaining civility following one of the group’s weekly virtual hangouts.
“They started video chatting from separate rooms, so we knew something was up,” said longtime friend Kasey Effers. “And then every time Luke would talk, he’d complain about how his roommate is always home and doesn’t recycle right, but in a really low voice. I’m not sure if he realized Sam can hear him in the chat — and probably in their apartment, too — but this is also the same guy who said they should go to Italy as some last-ditch romantic gesture. I think he just wanted to go because it was cheap.”
While Tsai is somewhat surprised about the timing of the split, she admitted she is currently counting the days until she’s able to move out of the shared space.
“I’ll be trying to watch Netflix in the living room with headphones on, and I still can hear whatever haunted reggae dubstep album he’s working on from all the way down the hall,” said a newly single Tsai. “I swear to god, if he’s writing a breakup EP, I’m going to flip. What will I tell my friends and family? ‘Hi, the recently furloughed GameStop manager I dated for years burned through all the weed and nonperishable food we were supposed to ration in order to produce this musical war crime memorializing our relationship?’ My dad will just say that he warned me.”
At press time, Koester was bidding on a pedal he hoped would tie together the final song for his EP while ignoring Tsai’s Venmo request for his half of the rent in his misguided attempt at a “rent strike.”