WABASH, Ind. — Guests of a recent keg party almost had their good time ruined after avowed musical theater freak Andy “Pipes” Schiller showed up unannounced and clocked the piano in the adjoining room, sources with their fingers in their ears confirmed.
“Look, I love Pipes like a brother, but you get him around a keyboard instrument and all of a sudden it’s opening night. We all saw his eyes light up when he noticed my step-mom’s baby grand in the foyer. I could feel the rest of the party consider chugging their drinks and bouncing rather than suffer through a Sondheim medley,” said party thrower Dunmore Maye. “Ugh, last time he just did a bunch of Billy Joel as if he was the first one to ever find out about him. I’m surprised anyone came this time after that. I need another drink.”
Schiller insisted that the presence of a piano, the building block of all modern musicals and something that he’s studied since he was in kindergarten, did not phase him.
“Oh, was there a piano at the party? That’s so weird, I didn’t notice. Ohhh, wait, no I think I’m starting to recall seeing one. I happened to play just one chord on it…G major, same key as the Music Man’s ‘Wells Fargo Wagon,’ no big deal,” said Schiller, as he waved to some fans that weren’t actually there. “But that was just to check if it was in tune! Since I have near perfect pitch, and all… and it was. But, play? Me? In front of all these people? You must have me confused with some other rising starlet!”
Wabash’s premier piano mover Burtram Haysworth lamented the fact that this occurrence is all too common.
“Without a doubt, 90, hell maybe 95 percent of my business relies on being on-call to quickly remove pianos from parties that theater folk end up attending. It puts food on my table and my kids in their colleges, I’m telling ya,” said Haysworth as he counted out a wad of bills. “We work discreetly, quickly, and even leave behind some homemade pamphlets on ‘not always making a spectacle of oneself’ where the piano was. I’d like to think I don’t only run a business, but I provide community service as well.”
At press time, the party was saved after a Little Richard impersonator shoved Schiller out of the way, and tore the roof off the place with the power of rock ‘n roll.