WASHINGTON — The Federal Aviation Administration announced that real motherfuckers may still board all domestic flights, regardless of Real ID status, White House sources have confirmed.
“Look, some people just can’t be bothered to comply with federal regulation, even if they’ve had seven years to do so,” said FAA spokesperson Michael Donnahugh. “At the FAA, we understand that some people’s lifestyles prevent them from stepping foot inside a DMV out of principle or even holding down a job long enough to produce a pay stub. These real motherfuckers are simply too busy living their lives or standing motionless with arms crossed at the back of a hardcore show, and it’s unreasonable to expect them to do anything to the contrary.”
The FAA’s recent shift in policy left some people wondering why they jumped through so many hoops to become Real ID compliant.
“I just don’t get it,” said frustrated Las Vegas resident Sarah Ramos. “I waited in line at the DMV for five hours, just to be told I need a second form of identification. Is the driver’s license they issued me not enough? I mean, come on. I had to take a PTO day for this. Those don’t grow on trees. And now they’re telling me all these people get a pass? I don’t usually get political, but this is bullshit.”
Local real motherfuckers were quite pleased with the FAA’s rule.
“I’ve just been busy, man,” said Deathshits bassist and real motherfucker Aaron Mitchell. “Life is too short for standing in line, proving you work and live places. It’s just not how I want to spend my time. Plus my grindcore band is on the verge of making it. So between band practice and restoring this old rally car, I really haven’t had time to do much of anything. I’m just glad my bandmates and I can still fly. It’s hard enough driving our equipment van to Oklahoma City for unpaid gigs. When we eventually hit the national circuit, it will be great to not have to drive. Especially in New York.”
At press time, the FAA emphasized that being Real ID non-compliant doesn’t automatically qualify you for real motherfucker status, but every citizen without Real ID is encouraged to check their status within the online federal database.