LAREDO, Texas – Shockwaves of mistrust ripped through punk band The Distracted after a member’s significant other admitted to hooking up with the band’s Roland MC-101 drum machine, sources within the band reported.
“History really does repeat itself, even with a goddamn drum machine,” sighed an exasperated Jonah Yardley, The Distracted’s founder, vocalist, and only original member. “I swear I would have folded this band years ago if a rep from Epitaph didn’t tell us we had a ‘good set’ once in 2017. We’re basically just about to get signed. But I don’t know if it’s worth the havoc it causes in my personal life.”
“But this time, I have a plan to get even,” confessed Yardley. “I’m going to seduce and fuck the drum machine’s DC power adapter. There’s been noticeable tension between us anyways, ever since I got shocked plugging it into a power strip I had spilled beer on.”
Yvonne Norman, Yardley’s girlfriend, admits that this isn’t her first lapse into infidelity.
“What can I say? I love Jonah but he spends most of his time scribbling juvenile lyrics into his Moleskine notebook and never notices when I slide up next to him asking to watch ‘Bridgerton,’” said Norman, who can often be seen air drumming during The Distracted’s shows. “Something about drummers really does it for me. And it’s hard to ignore the fact that Roland can stay hard so, so much longer than Jonah. Terrible listener, though.”
Relationship experts admit that being a member of a band can present some complex romantic situations.
“Intra-band infidelity can be traced all the way back to the tribal chant circles of the Great Rift Valley. Some of the chants that were passed down through oral tradition clearly show tension between the members of the circle, they were really a pagan fuck fest, so it’s tough to say what the ‘rules’ were,” stated Dr. Marie Khatri, specialist in couples therapy. “But I have to admit, this is a pretty damn weird case. I’m not sure how the logistics of this affair work. Does she like, grind up on it? Use the MIDI cables to… uggh, you know what, I don’t want to think about this anymore.”
Reports indicate that soon after learning of his girlfriend’s latest act of cheating, Yardley was rushed to the emergency room to be treated for electrical shock and a torn scrotum.