ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unlikely favorite to make it to next year’s Super Bowl, while the similarly named Dallas Cowboys are ranked dead last, sources who figured the team still sucks report.
“The Callous Daoboys are significantly better at music than the Cowboys are at football, so I hope this means we get one hell of a halftime show,” DraftKings user Shaun Kowalski said while betting on the Daoboys and burning his Dak Prescott jersey. “People who didn’t get Kendrick Lamar’s set are gonna be pissed when they open with ‘Violent Astrology.’ That is, if they understand the lyrics. I bet they could get some crazy special guests with their mathcore and nu-metal connections, too. My dream would be a Dillinger Escape Plan reunion, but if they want to play it safe and just let Fred Durst dance onstage, that’s cool too.”
Natalie Jenkins, a longtime fan of The Callous Daoboys, interpreted the DraftKings data as demand for the band to take the field, not the stage.
“The halftime show is cool and all, but nobody gets paid and you don’t get a fancy ring when you win,” Jenkins said after googling the nonexistent salaries of past halftime performers. “Football’s where the real money gets made, and I think the Callous Daoboys would be really good at it. They have seven members, which I imagine is enough people once you add in a few promising draft picks collegiate-level bands. I’ve been in a few of their pits and they were more intense than some of the offensive teams I’ve seen on RedZone this year. The average Cowboys player would get a season-ending injury doing any of their jobs onstage.”
Most surprised of all by the data was Callous Daoboys vocalist Carson Pace himself.
“People bet money on this? They really want us more than the Cowboys? Makes sense, the Cowboys haven’t been in the Super Bowl since the ‘90s!” Pace said while selecting goofy phrases for the band’s next merch drop. “I doubt the NFL would have us unless they want the football equivalent of the SNL Fear performance from way back when, but if we can appeal to nu-metal fans and pop punkers alike, I‘m sure we can make a few fans or foes at the big game.”
At press time, The Callous Daoboys turned down yet another offer from a confused Jerry Jones attempting to buy the band.