ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Domino’s Pizza delivery drivers across the country are upgrading their tires to near military-grade 4/20 models for the upcoming cannabis-themed day of celebration and unhealthy food consumption, totally jonesing sources confirmed.
“You need these more durable tires to get you through our mandatory 24-hour 4/20 shift with traction and toughness to spare. This is what we train for all year. This is when the professionals show what they’re made of,” said Ajax Pickering, a veteran pizza delivery driver. “We used to see rubber casualties that’d give a Vietnam vet the shakes. Some poor bastards even got out and tried to put the melting tire back together while it scalded their hands. Thankfully technology has caught up with the demand on our vehicles, so we just need to make sure we’re hydrated and keep a little crank or bathtub juke in the glove box for emergencies.”
The chain’s efforts to streamline service on the busiest day of the year is appreciated by the community, a good portion of whom will be ordering from Domino’s at least once on April 20th.
“I’m for anything that gets my extra-large Brooklyn style Wisconsin 6-Cheese to me safely before I hit the bong, forget I ordered it, and pass out,” said customer Catalina Johnson in between uncomfortably long pauses. “It’s just wonderful that a big money corporation is looking out for the little guy. I feel so blessed to live in these times. You can even get joints that come pre-rolled now, like how Domino’s pizza comes pre-made. We may not have to do anything ever again!”
Domino’s executive Belle Travail admitted that the 4/20 tires are as reassuring to the company’s bottom line as they are to the consuming public.
“The people celebrating this holiday are pizza connoisseurs and we need to treat them with the respect they have earned,” said Travail over her instant breakfast pizza. “They no longer tolerate the kinds of problems we’ve had in 4/20s past, the tire damage and overheating engines that cause one delivery car to go down, then another and another, until the whole system starts to fall like a row of some manner of upright tiles. These state-of-the-art tires will help secure and retain stoned customer loyalty while saving us millions in work hours and vehicle repairs.”
Domino’s has since announced plans to streamline their service even more by just becoming a dispensary with a massive pizza bar.