Dear Scabby: I’ve been in love with my best friend for about 5 years. But only just recently got the guts to admit it, but she’s got someone else now. What ought I to do? -MISSED THE BOAT
Dear Missed the Boat: You waited half a decade to tell your best friend you love her and she responds by denying your advances and dating someone else? Why do women insist on sending mixed signals? It’s like trying to decode messages from the Zodiac killer. If you decide to pursue this non-relationship further, let her know you’re still interested by dropping subtle tips without being creepy, like showing up at her work unannounced and dressing exactly like her new partner.
By sabotaging your friend’s current relationship, you will regain control, assert yourself as the alpha and probably end up dating her for two years or until the relationship dissolves into mutual disrespect and the kind of vague omnipresent boredom that makes you resent the way she butters her toast.
Whether it be a nihilistic tendency or the pure unadulterated desire to connect with another human being on this giant spinning ashtray we call flat earth, a person sometimes abandons fear just long enough to say, “I love you,” and it is not always requited. This can be painful, but you must remember that love is one of life’s few commodities that can almost always be bought without being earned.
Dear Scabby: I’m pretty sure a good friend of mine has a drug problem. I tried talking to her about it a few weeks ago and she absolutely lost her shit. I’m still really worried about her though, and want her to get help — how can I convince her to go to rehab without her hating me forever? -CONCERNED IN CORRALES
Dear Concerned in Corrales: Six years ago today I bit the bullet and quit drinking alcohol over 86 proof. Thanks to certain programs like A.A., I found the power to take back partial control of my life and associate church basements with something less traumatizing than previously. It’s a great place to share your innermost secrets in an environment protected by the promise of complete anonymity. I even met two of my closest friends there, Andrea Davis and Sean Dileo, both of whom live and work right outside of Mechanicsville.
Guiding your friend through sobriety can be tricky, especially because the ritualistic process of taking drugs or drinking can be just as addictive as the actual high. If she feels uncomfortable going to a bar or party without a drink, order her seltzer water with bitters or a Coors Light. Sometimes even washing down the placebo pills from your birth control pack with an O’Doul’s is enough to trick the mind.
There’s a chance your friend will resent you for addressing her drug problem, which is one of many ways that addiction isolates people. Whatever happens, be patient and understand that taking a person whose norm has become nodding out on the diaper changing station at Checkers and placing them in a rehab center called Whispering Pines or Second Chance will be a difficult but worthy effort.
Dear Scabby: I fucked up and didn’t get tickets to this show I wanna go to in time. I’m definitely not on the guest list, but how do I get in if it’s sold out? -WAITING ON WILL CALL
Dear Waiting on Will Call: Blackmail is a cowardly but effective way to get what you want at the expense of losing everyone’s trust and respect. As a fan, it may seem counterintuitive to wage an emotionally abusive war against members of a band that changed and quite possibly saved your life growing up, but only a true fan would threaten to reveal the drummer’s plushie fetish for a chance to see them live.
Disguises are another tried-and-true method of gaining access to off limit areas. Daniel Hillard (Robin Williams) transformed into Mrs. Doubtfire to spend more time with his children, Hannibal Buress (Anthony Hopkins) cut off a police officer’s face and wore it to evade detectives in “Silence of the Lambs,” and Jimmy Fallon, formerly a cult leader from Butte Montana disguises himself as a comedian night after night on his hilarious talk show. It’s a real commitment, but god damn if it doesn’t work like a charm.
Just remember that“sold-out show” is a mythical term used to generate hype by feigning an air of exclusivity. I don’t know if you’ve seen the news this year or read any tweets from the founders of the #MeToo movement, Lena Dunham and Gwyneth Paltrow, but 2019 is all about inclusivity. If a mouse can use its collapsible skeleton to fit itself under my door and into my bed, you can find a way to squeeze into Bonnaroo or wherever you’re going.
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].