POTTSVILLE, Pa. — Local couple Jules Rainier and Victor Trembino welcomed a newborn baby in a last-ditch effort to save their struggling situationship, confirmed sources who were out of ideas otherwise.
“Many think this baby was an ‘oopsie.’ But no, this was totally planned to salvage our casual sex acquaintanceship. Sadly, it’s not working so far,” said Trembino while staring at his child as if he’s never seen a human infant in his entire life. “I was just looking for a casual hookup I could intermittently spend the rest of my life with. This baby was supposed to solidify that. But it turns out you have to dedicate more than a few hours per week to this tiny human whose sole purpose is to seemingly ooze substances from every orifice all day long. Man, being a father is rough. Almost as rough as being in a committed relationship. I’m going back to being childless as soon as this whole parenting thing blows over.”
The grandparents couldn’t be more excited, yet confused, for them.
“I hope this baby means they’re starting to get serious,” said new grandfather Donovan Rainier. “I think they might even be ready to call each other ‘boyfriend-girlfriend,’ but I don’t want to get ahead of myself. After all, they’ve only been kind of dating for 10 and a half months. It really takes time for relationships to develop. You don’t want to move too fast or else you might scare the other person away. Their baby won’t be sentient for another few years anyway, so they still have time to iron out all the relational details.”
Couples therapist Gia Branding sees these types of unorthodox relationships frequently.
“This phenomenon is quite common among people who are commitment-averse,” said Branding. “Modern romantic relationships have morphed into what we like to call ‘parents with benefits’ or ‘on-again, off-again spouses’ or ‘conjugal fuck buddies.’ Just because you and your casual partner have a baby, buy a house, and combine your finances, doesn’t mean you want to be referred to as ‘husband’ or ‘wife.’ Those terms are antiquated. It’s time we embrace more fluid parenting.”
At press time, after a few weeks of indecisiveness, Rainier and Trembino decided to make things official and name their baby.
