SAN FRANCISCO — New app Patriotreads, a conservative take on the popular social cataloguing platform Goodreads, only had the Bible and “The Art of the Deal” as books for users to pick from, sources report.
“We were sick of the woke nonsense pervading other literary social networking websites,” said Patriotreads CEO Tim Hersham. “These platforms are clearly discriminating against God-fearing citizens with their liberal brainwashing and anti-Christian bigotry with books like ‘Charolette’s Web,’ so it’s time for real Americans to stand up and do what’s right. We currently offer the only two books anyone needs to succeed in life. It’s obvious that anything else is just satanic garbage, so start a Patriotreads account today! Just know that any rating less than five stars will result in your account being suspended.”
User Zach Brenton commented on his experience with the app.
“Finally, an app for pro-American books like the Bible!” Brenton said. “I’ve been telling people for years that the Bible is the only book they need, but I’ve never actually opened it myself. Starting an account was just the kick to the ass I needed to get started on this bad boy. I’m about halfway through the Book of Genesis, and I can already tell God did a great job with it even though I’m not sure what’s going on. I can’t wait to finish this and get started on ‘The Art of the Deal.’ I mean, we all know how great Trump’s tariffs went, so I’m bound to learn a lot of really useful information from this.”
Sociologist Gwendolyn Stursk has been studying conservatives’ takes on popular platforms for years.
“Conservatives are always starting their own platforms after complaining that they’re being left out,” Stursk noted. “I mean, obviously it’s nonsense because it’s just predicated on them being angry at seeing Black or LGBTQ representation in anything, and it’s resulted in a lower-quality ripoff of the original in 100% of the cases I’ve studied. Have you ever watched a Pure Flix movie? You definitely don’t want to, and don’t even get me started on the Turning Point USA Super Bowl Half Time show. I haven’t had a chance to look at Patriotreads yet, but I can guarantee that it sucks.”
At press time, Hersham was open to adding the Harry Potter books to the platform, so long as J.K. Rowling kept up her transphobic Twitter rants.
