BELVEDERE, Ill. — Self-described ‘ultraMAGA patriot’ Gill Stevenson relentlessly criticized Greta Thunberg as she makes another attempt to bring aid to Gaza, according to sources.
“It’s just more performative grandstanding from Thunberg twerp,” said Stevenson while en route to get a deep tissue massage. “I’ve seen the pictures of her on that boat—it’s all a photo-op staged by the antisemitic liberal media. I saw an X post saying she’s really just delivering food, booze, and new Nintendo Switches to Hamas leaders. Want to know about courage? Real courage is my cousin Tony, who just last week went into Chicago to pick up a Peloton bike he saw on Craigslist. He paid in cash, and it wasn’t even a nice part of Chicago—it was on the South Side!”
Dr. Gabriel Boucher, who works with Doctors Without Borders, says actually seeing the situation in Gaza would humble people like Stevenson.
“Mr. Stevenson is one of these, how do you say, ‘keyboard warriors’?” said Dr. Boucher as he took a break from loading medical supplies into a truck. “These Americans like to sit with their phones, eating their cheeseburgers, drinking 144oz buckets of soda, all while daring to criticize brave young people like Ms. Thunberg. This man would not last five minutes in Gaza. I invite Mr. Stevenson to join me on my next trip. We will see who is brave when his Oakleys are knocked off his face by the concussion from a US-made 2,000-pound bomb that Israel dropped on a children’s hospital.”
Psychologist Edgar Feynman says Stevenson’s motives are pretty obvious.
“Mr. Stevenson is ashamed of his own cowardice, so he feels compelled to lash out when he is confronted with actual examples of human bravery,” said Feynman. “Ms. Thunberg’s selfless acts, which put her own life at serious risk, challenge Mr. Stevenson’s desired view of himself as a tough ‘alpha male.’ If he were interested in addressing his anger and feelings of inferiority, I would be glad to help with some exposure therapy. I’ve had good results using virtual reality simulations of walking around urban environments. We would work our way up to actually visiting a real city neighborhood and getting lunch at a local non-chain diner.”
At press time, Stevenson had reportedly changed the graphic on his F150’s tailgate from a hogtied Joe Biden to a hogtied Greta Thunberg.