LOS ANGELES — Well-known idiot Donald Robertson was beside himself with amazement when ChatGPT was able to produce an unexceptional but coherent work email, sources confirmed Wednesday.
“There are few things more byzantine in their complexity or taxing in their execution than writing an expositionally sound and grammatically correct email with three whole sentences,” said the benighted Robertson. “Then all of a sudden the impossible occurred. Lo and behold, a totally boilerplate email to my manager detailing a straightforward and routine workplace matter just appears before me like manna from Heaven. It seemed to know exactly where all the commas and periods were supposed to go too. I’ve never been able to quite wrap my head around the whole punctuation thing. Needless to say, I will be anointing ChatGPT as the entity in charge of all of my day-to-day tasks.”
Robertson’s coworkers took note of the simpleton’s wonder at this effortlessly minor task being done for him.
“Donald is truly one of the most mouth-breathing, glassy-eyed dullards shuffling around on God’s green earth and when that basic, typo-free cliche of an email was written for him his face lit up like you’d just shown a caveman fire, and then used that fire to illuminate a 60-foot-tall Taco Bell drive-through menu,” said Matthew Sullivan, Robertson’s manager. “For a man with the critical thinking and communication skills of a sea cucumber, this is an absolute game changer. Actually it’s the first email he’s sent that didn’t seem like it was written by an incarcerated pre-teen.”
Noted AI expert Greg Dono has been following the story as it develops.
“While it appears that Mr. Robertson is remarkably doltish, he isn’t entirely alone at the absolute bottom of the intelligence totem pole,” said Dono. “For many people like him, AI has been a panacea to the everyday aches and pains of living your life as just a complete shit-idiot. The silent struggle these people undergo attempting tasks a masturbating gibbon could effortlessly overcome is not only being cured, but it’s also being destigmatized. ChatGPT is giving these imbeciles a voice to stand up and say, ‘I’m a fuckwitted dipshit and I needed an ungodly and potentially species-ending leap in technology in order to get in touch with Barb from accounting.’”
At press time, Robertson was reportedly inconsolable due to having forgotten his ChatGPT password and also being unable to figure out how to reset it.
