SALT LAKE CITY — Local born again crust punk Richard “Skuz-Dixx” Vanderbilt was recently baptized in sewage after deciding to reenter the Church of Latter-day Stains, confirmed sources who had to leave the room because of the foul stench.
“Although I checked off my entire bucket list within three months of leaving the Church, I now realize there is no life without the one, true Crust,” Vanderbilt explained, as a gaggle of robed oogles mixed cigarette butts, excrement, and myriad, pungent garbage together in a 5XL bariatric diaper. “Everyone has that same look of judgement when they first gaze upon the Doomsday Diaper, but they’re missing the point. The Diaper is not about despair; rather, it is the destroyer of hierarchies. The Church ethically sources feces from this very sewer—the same shit we make daily—and by reintegration through immersion, we all then become shit, the same shit, and nothing but shit.”
Vanderbilt’s concerned mother is horrified by her son’s lack of critical thinking skills.
“I thanked God every day when my dear Richard left that cesspool, but now that he’s reintegrated, I have to accept there is no God,” said Judith Vanderbilt as her rosary beads fell apart and slipped through her fingers. “Those smelly, toothless animals don’t hate capitalism—they hate basic hygiene. My Dick should know better than to join any religion that forces you to be submerged in the town’s collective excrement. He’ll be reeking, head-to-toe, telling everyone to fuck themselves as if that were an effective approach for bumming cigarettes. I guess it could be worse. He could’ve joined the Church of Scientology.”
Bishop John “Rust-Belt” Seaver hoped to dispel negative misconceptions by expanding on the Church’s dogma.
“Mrs. Vanderbilt is a bitch,” the 42-year-old Seaver began. “Her idea of community is being happily married in a cookie-cutter, suburban slum where everyone knows your name and bakes pies for each other, but that’s not DIY—that’s industrialism. When you accept our tenets and allow the sewage to clump over you, you join our homogenized family. Whatever spark you once possessed will be extinguished. Your individuality will fade as the once putrid smells first become commonplace, and ultimately comforting. There’s no room for in-fighting when we’re all shit—you’re either crusty or you’re not.”
At press time, the congregation was preparing ceremonial whippets as Vanderbilt took his last, clean gasp of air.