PLANO, Texas — Local bassist Keegan Rizzo recently drew his biggest crowd yet after being locked inside of his band’s sweltering 1997 Ford Escort, according to sources who walked by without helping.
“I can’t believe I was stuck inside that hot deathtrap all day with nothing but a crowd of 30 people around me,” stated a very dehydrated Rizzo. “The rest of the band had just stepped out to the army surplus store while I crashed in the backseat, then next thing I know I wake up and I can’t get out because they had the child safety door locks on. A few people started to gather so I thought I’d be free, but instead they just pointed and stared. Maybe if I was a baby or basset hound they would have broken a window and helped me. Still, I’d never seen so many people in one place just to watch me. This must be what Rancid experiences during a show.”
Passerby Charlie Grubbs explained what he witnessed as he approached the scene.
“I saw a group of people gathered around this old rust bucket so I quickly ran over thinking someone important was trapped inside,” described Grubbs. “But when I got closer I realized it was just some expendable bassist who kept mouthing ‘help me’ at us through the closed window. I used to play guitar so I know how useless these guys are and how easily they can be trapped inside a vehicle. I didn’t want the guy to die but I also didn’t want anyone seeing me trying to help him. I still know people in this town, I wouldn’t want that to get out.”
Fire Chief Barbara Schaefer explained that most emergency calls in the summer involve abandoned bassists.
“Every week on the news we see stories of someone’s pet being rescued from inside an overheated vehicle, but we never hear about it when it involves the least important members of a band,” said Schaefer. “And to an extent I get it, they offer very little value to society, but that doesn’t mean they’re not as important as a dog. As a community it’s important we look after our most vulnerable citizens like toddlers, the elderly, and pathetic bassists who ride the coattails of more talented musicians.”
At press time, Rizzo’s bandmates were on a bus home after ditching their broken-down car but had a sinking feeling they forgot something behind, though for the life of them they couldn’t remember what.