MADISON, Wis. — Local bald man Gene Zielinski is petitioning the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention today, demanding they include hats as mandatory protective gear a person must wear whenever in public.
“I just want to reiterate that this has nothing to do with my own personal insecurities. I’ve been bald since I was 19, so I’m totally used to having no hair, and in fact, I’m very proud of it,” said Zielinski, while covering multiple bottles of Rogaine in his bathroom with a towel. “My personal research shows that COVID-19 thrives in lush heads of hair, especially when it comes to men. If we are all required to wear hats, it will not only help flatten the curve, but it will also even the playing field in the dating game. Not that I need any help, of course.”
Bald men across the country were eager to join Zielinski in his quest.
“It makes perfect sense, when you really think about it: these facemasks cover my lush beard whenever I go out, and that’s what really sets me apart from other guys,” said bald man Omar Semer. “I also think women should be required to wear something… like, maybe a bandana tied off in a cute way, that sort of makes them look like a sexy baker or something? We can definitely figure it out later. But right now, we need all men to get together and pledge to wear hats in all their Tinder pictures, and whenever they are in public, because it’s the right thing to do.”
The CDC, however, is steadfast that hats offer no protective qualities when it comes to the spread of COVID-19.
“Many of our male staffers who are a bit thin on top have pushed us to research this more, but we’ve found no link between well-coiffed, virile men, and increased risk of contracting coronavirus,” said CDC spokesperson Debbie Anderson. “My own brother is bald and even wears a hat when he’s in the shower. I don’t think we need more people wearing hats — I think we need more men being comfortable with their own bodies. But I know that won’t happen anytime soon, so in the meantime, we will just continue to delete every email with ‘hat’ in the subject line.”
Zielinski is also petitioning OnlyFans to institute a free trial where “guys could just check out a bunch of profiles without going fucking broke.”