POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — A group of audiophiles and cinephiles met this week to compete against each other for the title of worst -phile, confirmed sources who didn’t know why.
“It’s got to be me,” said insufferable audiophile Alex Tate while listening to the “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea” record for the eighth time today. “When my friends listen to music on Spotify, I tell them that they might as well be piping fart sounds into their ears. They just want to enjoy their tunes, but I just can’t help myself and have to tell them about the warmness of vinyl and the exact right speakers. Can humans even detect the difference? No, not really. Only dogs can. But hey, I just can’t help myself. Music was meant to be heard from a six-foot gramophone that you have to manually crank. Turns out, people hate it when you say that.”
Although the audiophiles made excellent points, the cinephiles were not to be outdone, responding after a screening of “8 ½.”
“I’d much rather hang out with an audiophile than me,” said pretentious cinephile Donald Corleone. “You can’t say two words without me telling you how they relate to a movie. See an actor in a show? I’ll tell you all the bit parts he played in movies. It’s the only way I know how to relate to people. Hell, once a friend of mine recommended ‘Bullet Train’ to me, and I spent two hours explaining that film should be impactful and emotional, and if you enjoy it, you’re doing it wrong. The amount of people I’ve recommended ‘Come and See’ to alone should put me over the top for the worst -phile.”
Surprisingly, a third -phile group threw their hat in the ring to attack both groups.
“At least when I have to go door to door to tell people I’m a registered sex offender I don’t fuck with people’s enjoyment of Apple Music or ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop,’” said local NAMBLA chapter head Desmond Yike. “Sure, what I do is inarguably reprehensible and illegal, but I’m not constantly blasting Rush in my listening room. I think society would agree that we are much more tolerable than people who pay money to subscribe to the Criterion collection.”
At press time, the three groups of -philes all agreed that the world would be better off if they didn’t share their interests with anyone anymore.