NEW YORK CITY — Confusion hit the streets of Manhattan today when the onlookers of a city-sanctioned Asexual Pride Parade realized it was basically exactly the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, sources confirmed while waving at a soaring Snoopy balloon.
“Well, I’m really not sure how it happened, but the proof is all there. I mean, the happy non-threatening character balloons, the marching band music, the show-stopping Broadway numbers that would subside anyone’s arousal. It’s uncanny, and, I cannot stress it enough, completely unintentional,” said Asexuality Alliance head Levon Winger. “At least they have the raw unstoppable sexual energy of Al Roker to set them out of the ace realm. Oh, and unfortunately, another glaring difference is that our parade grinds to a screeching halt every time we pass a Funko Pop store. But, other than that, we’re seeing double, too.”
Representatives of the actual Macy’s parade even reluctantly admitted the parallels were staggering.
“Ok, ok we have eyes too, you know. We can see it, we can see it! And, for the record, we here at Macy’s bear no ill-will toward those who identify on the asexuality spectrum. There’s room for everyone at our stores, from the absolutely off-the-charts super horny and those who have not thought about sex in six months,” said Macy’s CEO Tony Spring, while clearly trying to get onlookers to notice the box of condoms he had “just lying around.” “However, there is an initiative in place to enact a new ‘after hours’ version of our Thanksgiving Day festivities at 2:45 a.m that will march, or skulk rather, down the seediest alleyways and underbellies of the city to avoid any confusion moving forward.”
Longtime Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade enthusiast Cameron Burrata expressed resentment at the comparison.
“All due respect to the ace community, but I’ve watched the Macy’s parade every year since I was born and I have a healthy, robust libido to say the least. Now, you might hear some vicious rumors around town that my specific fetish is for gigantic helium balloons shaped like familiar pop culture characters,” said Burrata. “And, I’ll be the first to tell you that these rumors are one hundred percent true. Viciously true rumors exist as well. Now, if you’ll excuse me, they’re unveiling a new fiberglass insulation store and word is, they’ve got a big Pink Panther tethered to it hovering overhead. How do I look?”
At press time, local children were urged to shield their eyes from the giant Pink Panther floating by.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
