OCEANSIDE, Calif. — As I Lay Dying frontman, and convicted felon, Tim Lambesis was caught on a home video having a meltdown after realizing the hitman he tried to hire in 2013 to murder his wife would not honor the buy one, get one free deal as advertised, worried sources confirmed.
“This is absolute crap. I’m going to report this piece of garbage to the Better Business Bureau and then he’s going to be bankrupt,” said Lambesis while pounding his feet. “It’s a sad state of affairs when you can’t trust the people you hire to kill the woman you married. This isn’t the America I once loved, I feel like I need to move to a country where men can kill their wives with no repercussions.”
At press time, Lambesis was leaving a scathing review of the hit man on Yelp.