CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled the next generation iPhone today, a new disposable single-use iPhone Loosie, sources confirmed.
“For too long the iPhone has been weighed down by the albatross of useless features like headphone jacks, speakers, and rechargeable batteries. That’s why we set out to create a new iPhone that’s so lighter, slimmer, and 10x more disposable than any previous iPhone model. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the future: the single-use iPhone Loosie,” shouted Cook to a feverish crowd of Apple superfans wildly gyrating and foaming at the mouth. “The height of convenience, now you can toss your iPhone after you’ve sent one text or listened to a single song, and just pull out a new one from the iPack. Running out of iPhone Loosie’s got you itching for more? Just head down to your nearest Apple Store and get your fix for just $2,000 per iPack.”
Apple superfan Frederick Clarke raved about the next generation iPhone’s sleek design and revolutionary expendability.
“I don’t know how these geniuses keep doing it, but the iPhone Loosie is a game-changer! Five-minute battery life, thin and brittle enough to snap in half if you hold it wrong, and best of all, with 20 in the iPack it only costs $100 per iPhone!” exclaimed Clarke, hands shaking as he slid out another Loosie. “These things are so addictive that I’m already on two iPacks a day. My only complaint is that everywhere I go some punk is asking if they can bum an iPhone, but I just tell them the last one is my iLucky.”
Samsung Research and Development Director Simon Song was already scrambling to develop an even more wasteful disposable phone.
“Goddammit, we were just months away from a new phone that explodes 10 seconds after you hang up like in Mission Impossible, Apple can’t keep getting away with this! Call an emergency meeting, I want the entire R&D building to drop everything and get me a Samsung Galaxy phone that disintegrates in your hands on my desk by Monday!” shouted Song, hurling a prototype into a wall. “See that dent in the wall? I want that phone to vaporize into billions of particles so small you can inhale them! I want to see the shimmering ash of rare earth minerals born from a million phones dancing on the wind! I want the next Samsung Galaxy to be so ephemeral philosophers need to reevaluate the very concept of existence!”
At press time, Apple was reportedly distributing free iPhone Loosies at schools across the country to get them hooked young.
