SAN DIEGO — Conclusive findings emerging from multiple long-term observational studies have shed new light on the habits of anteaters, showing that they actually have a vast array of other interests and peculiarities, not that any of you give a shit.
“Yeah, I mean, they just call us ‘anteaters,’ so what do you expect? People develop an expectation of your role and hate to see anything that differs from that expectation,” began an anteater at the San Diego Zoo. “None of these slack-jawed assholes that stare at me all day could be compelled to acknowledge that I’ve been developing my knowledge of diasporic literature, I have a bit of a stamp collection going, I find shiny lights fascinating, I still miss my childhood best friends and hate that we fell out of touch, and I also eat things other than ants, too. Not that anyone fucking cares.”
Patrons of the zoo were quick to confirm the anteater’s suspicions about the public not giving a country-fried fuck about any of the newly discovered idiosyncrasies.
“Look, dude, I don’t care if they learned to type Shakespeare, I’m just here to see some fucking anteaters eatin’ some fucking ants,” zoo attendee Zack Branfield remarked. “I wanna see the thing I came to see do the thing it does. You think I give a fuck if a woodpecker does anything other than peck wood? You think I wanna see a flying fish swimming? Grow up.”
Natural historian Greta Stanwick was quick to support the recent studies and anteaters as a whole in spite of nobody giving two shits from a rat’s ass about anything that she or really any living thing had to say on the matter.
“I immediately encouraged zoos to plaster their display walls with these astonishing new findings, but they didn’t seem to care, either,” said a resigned Stanwick. “Unfortunately, even despite a mountain of exciting new evidence with implications that could completely upend our understanding of the natural world and the vivid lives of all creatures within it, people really just don’t give a single flying fuck in the night sky about any of this. God damn, I can only imagine how the poor dung beetle feels.”
At press time, the anteater pointed out that he preferred to just be called Gary to avoid being pigeonholed.
