Is there anything more beautiful than a father’s love expressed through music? If there is, we don’t want to know about it. Meet Jay Graham, a father who serenades his newborn child with a different song on his acoustic guitar every night. And the best part? The baby still hasn’t learned to talk so she can’t do anything to stop it.
“When my wife told me she was pregnant, I immediately went to Ebay and purchased the most expensive acoustic guitar I could find and started teaching myself how to play. It was just really important I do this for my daughter. Sure, it was a lot of hard work these past 9 months, but my wife didn’t mind painting the nursery and putting together the crib while I perfected ‘Everlong,’” said father-of-the-year candidate. “And now that the baby is here, it’s so great I get to share my gift with her. And she doesn’t seem to mind crying it out on the floor while I try to get the tuning right for ‘Pink Moon’ either.”
Now you might be saying to yourself “where is the mother in this scenario, why wouldn’t she step in to stop this awful behavior?” The fact of the matter is, she’s doing her best to juggle everything in the household.
“Yeah, he’s a selfish dipshit. But I still don’t have the heart to tell him that the baby isn’t smiling because he nailed ‘Hotel California’ but because she just loaded up her Pampers with some brown mustard newborn poop,” explained the new mother. “Jay keeps insisting that someday the baby will really appreciate all this time he spends locked in the basement watching YouTube tutorials and perusing guitar tabs. But this is of course assuming that our marriage even survives and I let him see the kid in the future.”
Child care expert Dr. Edmundo Sosa pointed out the danger of acoustic guitar for young children.
While it is true that many studies have shown exposing your children to music has tremendous positive effects on their development, other studies have demonstrated a correlation between the negative effects of music exposure and a parent’s rudimentary acoustic guitar skills,” said Dr. Sosa. “I personally have worked with several children who took up vaping and growing wispy, creeper mustaches following years of exposure to butchered versions of the ‘Fade to Black’ intro.”
While reporting on this story we decided to call Child Protective Services on Mr. Graham after we determined that forcing a child to listen to “Santeria” by Sublime equates to child abuse.