WASHINGTON — The John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts announced a three-week run performance featuring Terry Gillespie, a local alcoholic man known for standing on street corners while shouting racial slurs at anyone who walks past him, the venue’s box office has confirmed.
“Oh man, it’s a great honor to be performing at the Kennedy Central. Mister Trump, he asked me to come up on stage and people gonna come see me say the ‘n word’ and then nobody gonna get mad and throw a coffee in my face like they do when I’m just minding my own business gonna corner telling people the TRUTH,” said Gillespie as he finished a bottle of Jack Daniels. “President say I’m gonna be a star. They gonna give me a million dollars to tells people what I already say for free. I’m proof anybody can make it here in the good ol’ USA if ya just keep misgendering people and the liquor store guy don’t care if you hang out in front of the store all day.”
President Trump stated Gillespie was the perfect performer for this moment in history.
“People said it couldn’t be done, that we’re failing because all the losers and nasty so-called artists cancelled all their performances. But here’s a guy who loves America and tells it like it is. So many insults for Asians, it’s amazing. He should’ve headlined the Super Bowl, right folks?” said Trump. “I saw him on that corner, people were spitting on him, and I said we gotta have this guy close out the Trump-Kennedy Center before we make it beautiful. He’s going to pack the house, let me tell you. You’ll never hear a more coherent man string together so many words about the nasty immigrants invading our country. This is what America 250 is all about.”
The venue’s box office staff was less than optimistic about this year’s remaining shows.
“We knew the fix was in after Yo-Yo Ma pulled out of the performance season.The only performers the board want here are either racists, alcoholics, or in the case of Mr. Gillespie, both,” said Katrina Winslow. “That pretty much narrows down candidates to comedians who were on Kill Tony, mental patients booted from the hospital, and Lee Greenwood. The closure in July can’t come soon enough.”
As of press time, Gillespie was tapped to open for Kid Rock at several Rock the Country Festival dates.
