BRIDGEPORT, Conn. — Local stoner A.C. Dermott and alcoholic friend Jessie Brown reportedly met up on Friday to crack a few cold ones and fire up a bong at 4:40 p.m. as a compromise to their schedules, punctual sources confirmed.
“We can never agree on the best time to get shit-faced with each other,” Brown sighed. “I get off from my job at the steel mill at 5 o’clock, and immediately crack open a beer for my drive home. This fucker, shocker, is unemployed, so she’s off to the races at 4:20. But I’m sorry. Some of us have to work at a job we despise, so we had to compromise. I call off work a little early, she uses the extra 20 minutes to hit 7/11 beforehand. Neither of us are completely happy with each other about it, but that’s how friendship works.”
Dermott also doesn’t appear satisfied with the arrangement.
“She really rubs it in, that smug bastard,” Dermott asserted. “Alcohol is way worse for you, anyway – weed isn’t even addictive. It’s probably as healthy as kale if you think about it. I’ve been trying to get her to change her schedule for me personally for years. We go way back, but the best he’ll do is take off from his second cigarette break before his boss notices. I mean, come on. I have strict smoking times to adhere to.”
Their mutual straight-edge friend Elle Chartreuse wishes these frequent get-togethers weren’t so vigorously debated.
“4:40 doesn’t even work well for anyone, for fuck’s sake. These two have finally settled down on a time to meet, and it’s right when I’m finishing my tea run,” Chartreuse complained. “I have to sprint to A.C.’s place right after just to try my damndest not to inhale any secondhand smoke. One of these days, I’ll get us to hang at 4:40 in the morning, which is right after my wake-up, shower, and yoga routine. That’s the optimal time to hang out.”
At press time, their cocaine-addicted friend Jeremy Sidler revealed he’s available any time, day or night, preferably between 6:00 a.m. and 4:00 a.m.