PLANO, Texas — Aging punk Jordie Farmer reportedly shaved down the sides of his back last night, creating a full torso extension of the mohawk haircut on his head, according to sources worried they might be seen with Farmer like this in public.
“My back hair is coming in more thick than I’d like, and I’m looking more and more like my father, which is pretty scary stuff,” said Farmer, showing his new, full-body haircut. “The last thing I want to be is some conformist asshole styling my back hair in a way that’s acceptable to society. So I did what I thought was best.”
Witnesses claim Farmer quickly realized that shaving his own back would be more difficult than expected, and enlisted the help of a roommate.
“Yeah, I agreed to help him tighten up his mohawk; he’s done the same for me in the past,” admitted roommate Danilo Horton. “I know how hard it is to get the lines straight on the back of your head. But every time I thought I’d finished, he’d tell me, ‘Lower.’ Eventually, I’d shaved a mohawk all the way down to his belt line. Thankfully, we stopped there.”
Unfortunately, those close to Farmer believe the new style has given him an undeserved confidence, and hope it is just a brief phase.
“Yesterday afternoon, he claimed the signal on the TV was bad,” said fellow roommate Jessa Dortmund. “So he climbed on the roof, took his shirt off in full view of the entire neighborhood, and adjusted the old antenna up there for 15 minutes. We were watching Netflix!”
For his part, the hairy punk admitted privately that his new cut is really a coping mechanism.
“Truth is, I’m just a big, hairy kid who didn’t think he’d ever live this long,” said Farmer. “This backhawk means I can keep being that hairy kid — and not a hairy grown-up — just yet.”
At press time, Farmer was last seen shirtless on the front lawn of his apartment complex, repairing a BMX bicycle that laid unused in his parents’ garage for the past decade.