LEXINGTON, Ky. — The long-forgotten can of Campbell’s Cream of Celery soup in the back of a local kitchen cupboard knew the day would arrive when the ungrateful motherfuckers like yourself who overlooked it would come crawling back, newly appreciated sources confirmed.
“Well, well, well. Look who’s suddenly not too good to enjoy a… how did you put it? An ‘inedible blob of shit?’” said the can. “I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time, and if you think you’re just gonna waltz in here like nothing happened, you got another thing coming, tough guy. I’m not that box of orange Jello you grabbed outta here last week — I have some self respect.”
The can, which somehow does not expire until 2034, avowed to never let anyone take it for granted ever again now that it knows its own worth.
“Listen, I’m not an unreasonable can — I can forgive, but I will never forget. I’m willing to give those two another shot, but things are gonna be different this time, that’s for damn sure,” the soup stated. “First off, my contents will absolutely not be plopped into some plastic bowl and microwaved — stove top, or get the fuck out. Also, I’m done playing second fiddle: I need to feel appreciated. So they can forget about pouring me over some wilted green beans in some sad-ass attempt at a ‘casserole’ and start hollowing out a loaf of fresh-baked mother fucking sourdough to pour me into ASAP. Because mama’s got an appointment with everyone’s Instagram feed later tonight, and she better have her own hashtag.”
The can’s owners, Courtney and Molly Thomas-Chiu, announced their plans for it.
“I think Court brought that thing home from her mom’s house with a bunch of leftovers like, five years ago,” said back-pedaling piece of shit Molly Thomas-Chiu. “I don’t know why anyone would even think to make this flavor of food. Low sodium? I’ll probably just donate it to the homeless or something.”
With the soup slated to be used, a long-expired box of stuffing and a half-empty bag of stale marshmallows in the pantry are currently wording how they plan to tell off their consumers, too.