CHICAGO — Local beer connoisseur Evan Ramirez recently made the startling discovery that his new favorite craft beer transmutes directly to expensive, fancy piss, sources who are currently drunk confirm.
“There I was, finishing off my second pint of the ‘Not Your Pawpaw’s Dirt Juice’ Double IPA when I realized that I was essentially just using my own body to make overpriced, artisan pee,” Ramirez said, visibly shifting on his barstool. “I’ve dropped $46 on beer alone today, and I’m not even sure what I’m getting out of this. I’m not really staying hydrated, because I have to piss every half hour on the dot, and I’m super bloated from all the hops and shit. And let me tell you, it does not taste good in the slightest. If this wasn’t 11% alcohol, it would truly have no benefits other than making every trip to the bathroom feel like a luxury expense.”
Craft brewer Jake Hornsby didn’t take kindly to Ramirez’s remarks about the product of his life’s work.
“He clearly does not understand the love, labor, and high-end ingredients that go into the ‘Dirt Juice,’” Hornsby said while pretending to towel-dry a snifter glass for several minutes. “The fermenting process alone takes months, which is probably why it has such a bold flavor that is off-putting to those who don’t appreciate higher-end, borderline-undrinkable brews. And I’m honestly a little insulted that he thinks the urine that results from my beer is a waste. We both know that there’s an untapped market there, and if he wasn’t such a pansy, he’d be bottling that stuff up and selling it to hipsters all over the city.”
Urologist Ben Proctor weighed in on Hornsby’s suggestion to capitalize on the secondary waste product of the DIPA.
“Humans have been drinking their own pee for centuries,” Proctor said, smiling a little too much while saying it. “Not only are there numerous health benefits, but in this case, one actually recoups the cost of spending $25 on a four-pack by selling the infused piss on the naturopath market. One could easily make back their losses and turn a tidy profit if you find the right crowd. The exact overlap between beer snobs and anti-vaxxers should prove to be the right niche for this.”
At press time, Ramirez was reportedly seen buying a 30-rack of Natty Light from the bodega instead.
