NASHVILLE, Tenn. – Residents of a SouthSide apartment complex were awe-struck when one of their neighbors used a single LED strip to completely revamp their drab apartment into a place for forbidden fornication, lonely and easily impressed sources confirmed.
“This LED strip really ties my whole vibe together,” said Barker as he hung up a beaded curtain in place of his bathroom door. “When I bring somebody home, I want them to think that his place screams ‘party.’ And for $20, it’s a steal. Being able to sync a pulsing magenta light to darkwave music while I slow bone a shorty after a night out on the town is a total game changer. The last time I was this confident was when I bought that Glade PlugIn, the vanilla scent was like raw pheromones.”
Barker’s most recent sexual partner Gwendalyn Roberts was less enthusiastic about his decor choices.
“I made the mistake of going back to his place the first time we hooked up and I’ve learned my lesson,” said Roberts. “When I entered his apartment, and those neon crimson lights filled up the room, I felt like I was about to become the subject of an eventual true-crime documentary. I don’t have the heart to tell him that the last place I’d like to have an intimate encounter is on the futon he’s also eating all his meals. The lights also amplify that oddly shaped stain he has on his beige carpet, but I don’t even think he has a pet.”
Resident interior decorator MacKenzie Rush weighed in on the delicate balance between intent and execution.
“Mr. Barker is right to think that his cheap LED setup is a major step up,” said Rush. “I’m an avid photographer, and I know firsthand that the sensually glowing hue of a darkroom sets the mood. But with great lighting comes an even greater responsibility to make sure your bachelor pad isn’t a totally dank shithole. Next time he has an extra $20, I recommend that he picks up some Carpet Fresh and a Brita Filter because God knows his water tap may look like a neon spout of wonder, but I assure you that he’s drinking brown municipal sludge.”
At press time, Barker was spotted at Sharper Image looking for a machine that produces rainforest sounds to cover up the sound of the leaking toilet in his bathroom.