WASHINGTON — The White House honored late Vice President Dick Cheney with a 21-gun-to-the-face salute, confirmed sources who wanted no part in volunteering for whatever that entailed.
“We are paying tribute to the third greatest vice president in American history the only way we know how,” said White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “As a man whose legacy involved using the military to resolve international disagreements and minor foreign inconveniences as well as mistaking his buddy for a quail while hunting in 2006, this 21-gun-to-the-face salute is our way of honoring the man who was once played by Christian Bale in a movie for some reason. Dick also famously had five heart attacks during his lifetime, so as a bonus display of gratitude, we will be stabbing five immigrants in the chest at random. It’s what Dick would’ve wanted.”
Former Second Lady Lynne Cheney was pleased with the military sign of respect.
“It was such a touching moment when those White House interns were shot square in the face. I will never forget the beautiful way their heads exploded on impact,” said Cheney. “Dick was known as a peacemaker through military-grade force, so I can’t think of a more appropriate way to celebrate his legacy. People like to make fun of Dick for what he did to his best friend. But honestly, that guy turned out fine, so how bad could it have been? If Democrats had things their way, no one would be allowed to own a 28-gauge shotgun to kill a five-ounce bird or accidentally mangle their friend’s face. That’s freedom right there.”
Experts were quick to note other questionable displays from the White House over the years.
“For some reason the White House can’t get enough of honoring US warmongers,” said historian Lucille Pierce. “For instance, upon the death of Donald Rumsfeld, the White House tortured a few prisoners using Old Donnie’s personal favorite methods. And when Henry Kissinger died, they ceremoniously blew up the southern tip of Greenland in his honor because he really hated that place and they didn’t think anyone would notice.”
In accordance with his wishes, Cheney’s ashes will be scattered inside a missile before it’s used for a military strike on Iraq.
