WASHINGTON — In the midst of backlash over the government shutdown and its effects on the country’s neediest citizens, President Trump this morning announced a plan that would unfreeze SNAP benefits exclusively for the nation’s wealthiest individuals.
“No longer will this great country’s top earners be burdened with having to pay for Little Debbie snack cakes and baby formula out of pocket!” declared Trump in an enthusiastic post to Truth Social. “Instead of squandering these benefits on losers who want handouts like basic necessities just because they have children to feed and can’t make ends meet (despite working multiple jobs, mind you!), we’re giving it to the people who earned it by making the country great! I have personally sent a truckload of milk, eggs, and bread to Tim Cook’s home just this morning, and that’s only the beginning! Stay tuned!”
In a combative press conference, White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt staunchly defended the plan.
“The President has decided this is the best course forward, and the entire administration is behind him 1000 percent,” said Leavitt. “Furthermore, we will not tolerate any shame toward what this country’s elite decides to purchase with their benefits. You see Mark Zuckerberg whipping out his SNAP card to get an aged European cheddar, you keep your mouth shut. If you’re in line at checkout and you spot Peter Thiel grabbing a bunch of sugary drinks on the government’s dime, you just thank your lucky stars you got to be in the presence of a great man.”
While the plan has sparked immediate outrage, far-right-leaning economists have been quick to spin it as a win for all Americans.
“This is going to be great for the economy long term,” said market analyst and noted Ayn Rand fan Geoffry Comber. “Think about it, you offer basic food staples to help a poor child live, and what do you get in 18 years? A poor adult. You offer unlimited free eggs and bread to the country’s most elite money makers, and you get an incentive to achieve. It just makes sense.”
At press time, RFK Jr. was hard at work drafting a report highlighting the health benefits of “Non-intermittent, permanent fasting.”
