WASHINGTON — In the wake of recent protests and upheaval in the American Great Lakes region, President Trump claimed today that the entire population of the state of Minnesota is actually actors who have been paid off to reside there for decades, in anticipation of disrupting the Trump presidency.
“No one actually lives there, okay? Minneapolis is deep state fakery by the Communist Democrats to invade and occupy the private unoccupied space reserved for proud, American, ICE agents.” Trump stated at a press conference. “Why would anyone choose to live in that shithole? It’s cold! The only reason anyone would be there is if Hilary Clinton paid them to be there! It’s really very obvious to anyone in possession of a fully working brain, folks, and mine is the most fully working brain possibly of all time. Right now, every single ‘resident’ of Minnesota is loitering around a giant craft services table laughing at you for being so stupid!”
White House officials attempted to demolish several houses in the greater Minneapolis region as evidence that such houses were actually sets funded by California — a claim debunked by several shrieking housewives in the bath at the time of the demolition.
“I was in the middle of getting supper ready when they just stormed right in!” recounted housewife Julia Sheiman. “They just started tearing everything up and asking insane questions like ‘Where are the cameras?!’ ‘Who is your Director?’ ‘Do you know Chris Hemsworth, and is he nice in real life?!’ Actually, at that point, pretty much all the questions were Hemsworth-related. ‘Can you get his autograph?’ ‘Does he smell good?’ I’m just trying to get dinner ready for my family!”
The claim has so far been met with widespread denial from virtually everyone involved in the entertainment industry.
“These accusations are not only outrageous, but completely ignorant of how the industry works,” explained Hollywood casting directorDinos Gramercy. “SAG-AFTRA does not require paying extras who are not being filmed that day. To assume all five million Californians in Minnesota right now are being paid is frankly preposterous. Don’t get me started on the production costs! Show me a line producer who would okay purchasing an entire state for one production, and I’ll show you someone who can go right back to waiting tables immediately!”
At press time, murderer Jonathan Ross was seen handing out headshots of himself depicted as a doctor, a tennis player, a clown, and Hamlet.
