ARLINGTON, Va. – Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that the firing squad execution of Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan on December 3rd will be publicly live-streamed on a newly revived somethingrotten.com, Pentagon officials have confirmed.
“Hey kids, you wanna see a dead, mutilated body in broad daylight? I know I do! That’s why we’ve spent $6,000,000 to buy and revive Something Rotten, America’s favorite place to watch people die on their school’s library computers. Why solemnly execute Nidal Hasan by shooting him a whole bunch when we can go viral and make this shit the new Bud Dwyer? And hey, if this little shindig is a hit and we can further desensitize the population to extreme violence, we’ll get that YouTube channel dedicated to hanging journalists off and running in no time. Hell, we might toss a grenade or two at this bastard to really get it nice and bloody. What impressionable teenager wouldn’t want to see that?” said Hegseth.
“You know there was a time not too long ago, citizens across this great country used to gather with their families in the town squares for a picnic and a public execution. Streaming the execution on Something Rotten will bring back the free spirit of the early 2000’s pre-woke internet, where we could all gather and watch ISIS beheadings and animals being tortured. And we hope this will send a message to our enemies that if you commit a heinous crime against our troops and are not white, we will exploit your death for propaganda purposes and add you to a compilation video of dudes being executed by cartel members.”
As of press time, Hegseth announced the Pentagon would also simulcast the execution on Ebaum’s World, Bored.com, and Omegle.
