ATLANTA — ICE agents deployed by President Trump to assist with airport security amid the partial government shutdown are reportedly unsure how to pat down alleged criminals without causing significant bodily harm, sources wearing wrap-around sunglasses report.
“We’re barely trained on how to do our actual jobs, which is fine since I already know how to throw a solid right hook,” said ICE agent Alex Guerra, who was hired five months ago after seeing a recruitment advertisement on Spotify. “But airport security is an entirely different beast. I’ve already gotten yelled at five times for ‘using too much force’ during my pat-downs. How was I supposed to know old ladies bruise that easily? They’re the ones smuggling Werther’s and god knows what else through our nation’s great airports.”
TSA agents nationwide already claim ICE’s presence disrupts their own already-difficult jobs.
“It’s bad enough that I’ve been working without pay for over a month, but now I’m stuck training these buffoons for nothing in return,” TSA officer Seth Farley said after throwing a traveler’s laptop into a plastic bin. “It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even hear myself yelling at people to take their shoes off over the sound of them beating the shit out of people. Travelers are only supposed to leave our patdowns feeling a little violated, not looking like they just had a heated argument with Taylor Frankie Paul.”
Despite the backlash, President Donald Trump remains confident the ICE presence will prove helpful to airport staff amid increased callouts due to the shutdown.
“Our ICE agents are frankly some of the toughest people we have in terms of security and getting rid of criminals,” Trump said while boarding Air Force One. “The TSA should be thanking them for all the hard work they’re putting in. Some of those people our ICE guys have to pat down, well, they’re not my type, that’s all I’ll say. You say you look bad because an ICE guy beat you up, I say that’s fake news. Most of these nut jobs were barely 3’s or 4’s before the bruises, if those even happened. They’d be lucky to have ICE rearrange their faces a little before they go to the beach for spring break. Which reminds me, I wasn’t on the island, and I didn’t see anything bad happen because the sun was too bright!”
At press time, ICE agents were unavailable for comment as they were busy helping baggage handlers break wheelchairs and walkers on the runway.
