Do you ever wonder what happened to these disappointing heartthrobs that left my mom high and dry in the early 90s? I sure do! I can go years without even remembering their names, and then suddenly I think, where are they now?
Seriously, if you know where my dad, stepdad, or mom’s boyfriend are, please tell me. I haven’t seen my dad since he said he was going to check out a used Fender from Craigslist when I was five years old and never came home.
Let’s take a look at the famous men in my life who have kept a low profile ever since they let their fear of commitment and responsibility get the better of them.
My Dad
Remember this old brute? I don’t! He didn’t stick around long enough for me to remember what he looks like, but you might recognize him for holding the county-wide record for starting the most bar fights at Schileen’s Pub in New Jersey. Who would have thought this local legend would go on to leave his family after he blew his life savings trying to start his own pyramid scheme. I wish I could tell you where he is now, but your guess is as good as my mom’s.
Stepdad
What a blast from the past! My stepdad, Ricky Oakland, was last seen speeding through several red lights on a drunk driving bender. Some people would call this a felony, but for ole Ricky, it was just another Tuesday. So, what hot new project is this bad boy working on today? Rumor has it, he is trying to get his gun license so he can waste time shooting PBR cans in his backyard instead of applying for jobs. Classic Ricky. Hopefully, his next project involves him getting his arse back here to sign the divorce papers!
My Mom’s Boyfriend
Let’s take a trip down memory lane and see what my mom’s cheating boyfriend is up to now. According to our sources, AKA his only friend “Big Frankie,” my mom’s boyfriend has run off with a sugar mama that he met on Ashley Madison. Pretty ironic considering how often he used to lecture me about how the society we live in no longer has any moral values. If you see this man, can you please tell him to return the $1,200 he “borrowed” from my mom? Thanks!