It’s fair to say that since the beginning of recorded history, humanity has known the world follows some kind of natural order, like the food chain, the sun rising in the east, or glam rock becoming popular for like 2 months every ten years. No matter how we try to fight against it, the world imposes its natural law.
However, something (or in this case, someone) has threatened to throw everything we knew about the universe into complete chaos. Defying all logic, there exists a man who, despite holding a Bachelor’s in English, is not a fan of revered indie band The National.
What erudite, well-read human being wouldn’t be into a band with lyrics that so intricately explore the depth of human emotion? A guy who went to state school, apparently. 40-year-old Stuart Wilson missed the part of his undergraduate studies that explains how becoming an ardent lover of Matt Beringer’s lyrics and the band’s emotional melodies is a prerequisite.
“I really thought people either lied about liking them or just listened to them performatively, like when someone says they’ve read ‘Infinite Jest’ or ‘Ulysses’. And believe me, I’ve tried several times to get into them just to get my college buddies off my back. One time, I tried giving ‘Trouble Will Find Me’ another shot and only made it three songs in before I started dozing off and nearly struck a telephone pole. Was their entire discography underwritten by Ambien or something?”
It’s like he isn’t capable of feeling complex emotions! He probably felt nothing reading the ending of “A Farewell to Arms”, too, the sick bastard.
“Every album just sounds like a run-on sentence about being a sad dad. Listen, I mostly use the writing and literacy skills I honed in college to edit TV instruction manuals, so frankly, their whole act just comes off as a soundtrack for elitists who only drink wine at parties. I’m more of a Decemberists guy, so sue me! Am I having my degree rescinded or something?”
Wilson’s sentiments towards the acclaimed indie darlings are so bizarre and unnatural, they may rewrite how scholars perceive the human brain. On the other hand, we obtained his high school standardized test scores, and while he scored high on the English portion, his math scores reflected those of a child who ingested glue as a midday snack.
It could simply be that his brain is wired incorrectly. Here’s hoping, because if a man can get a degree in English without once pining for a girl a little too young for him while “Fake Empire” blares through his AirPods, the country truly is lost.